A Tragic Love Story

Well, it's officially a new year throughout the States. Hawaii still has to catch up, but for the rest of us in the U.S., it's a wrap. The year 2002 went so fast for me, and I've realized that I didn't miss much. Just another step, in this walk of life.

Warning - Psycho Depressed Tirade to Follow

I was physically alone tonight at midnight. Mom went to bed early, with a headache. Amanda decided that she was too drunk to hang out, and was only interested in sex or going to bed. Either way, that let me out, since it is now apparent that she is not interested in me that way. And that makes me wonder, since she is not always picky about her "toys", and she showed an interest in me before.

Mom will never know how close I came to walking out that door tonight, and never looking back. I was just going to vanish. It had nothing to do with her, just with life in general. As it was, I walked over a mile through a rainstorm, to clear my head. Too bad it didn't work. But I've come to some realizations, revelations if you will:

I am delusional about a lot of things.
I try too hard to achieve the impossible, when I KNOW it is impossible.
Love weighed me, love measured me, love found me wanting, and love left.
I haven't been happy since I last saw my son.
I will probably never be able to see my son again.
Therefore I will probably never be truly happy again.
I change too much to please people who cannot be pleased.
In the large scheme of things, I am merely a grain of sand, insignificant and small.
I am a good friend, but not really boyfriend material.
There's something lacking in me, that attracts women who want a relationship.
I'm pitied by people, as much as I'm liked.
I need the sad songs, to make me cry.
At least once a day, listening to a song makes me cry, because I look for it to happen.
I listen to all the country stations, trying to find depressing songs, because I don't know how to be happy.
The mother of my son is the first one who successfully turned me on to country songs, and that's why so many of them remind me of her.
I will always be alone. I have my friends, but they are so far away, that the physical closeness will never be mine again.
I will finish my new layout tonight, before I go to bed. Or maybe not.

Okay, the psycho rant is over. And actually, so is this entry.