A Tragic Love Story

A couple nights ago at UPS, I saw a bill going to Kresgeville, PA. It's a smaller town, with the distinction of being the hometown of my first serious girlfriend. It brought back memories, to see that name again. Some good, some bad... but I'm cursed with a brain that can yank memories and facts out of thin air, on a trigger. But without that trigger, they might be locked inside forever.

I've been taking a break from TMBG the last couple of days. I've moved on to something a little more hardcore. Here is my music of choice, for the past few days:

Papa Roach "Last Resort"
Orgy "Blue Monday"
Limp Biskit "Hate Me" (I think that's the title)
Three Doors Down "No One Knows"
Godsmack "Whatever"
Rage Against the Machine "Bulls on Parade"
Korn "Got the Life"

Okay, not much happened today at work. It was just another typical day. We finally got a new Imaging Scanner at UPS, which cuts back on my stress a little bit. We have a deadline of 10:30pm on putting through all of the bills for the day, and we usually average about 900 bills per night. I start at 6pm, and I need to share the computer with others who need it. Well, the old scanner was eating the bills. It would fold them, tear them, and jam itself with them. I would have to reenter the same bills two or sometimes even three times. I normally put 20 bills thru at once, and if even one jams, all 20 have to be rescanned. And the ones that tear, rip, etc., have to either be repaired or sent in separately and not counted towards productivity for the night. Well, I don't like the idea of a cut in productivity like that, so I repair every bill that I can. I have been finishing just under the wire each night, usually just around 10:25pm. And it has just been getting to me, giving me stress headaches. Of course, that is just one of my problems, but it still takes some of the load off, to have it resolved. But I suppose that it is time for the rant that I couldn't complete last night.

I'm out searching for shrinks, because I need one. I hate myself, and my life, so much that I'm hurting the ones I love here and there. I've found a possibility, which will cost me around $80 per session. I'm still looking though, and maybe I can find something a LITTLE more affordable. I'm sure not much, but hey... I'm kinda in a tight spot right now.

But before I actually make it to the head doctor, I've decided to try to take at least part of it in my hands, if I can. I don't know if this is going to work or not, but it's something I've got to try. I'm going to cease the exercises in futility. I'm going to stop setting myself up. I'm going to attempt to stop flirting. No, I don't mean altogether. I just mean with those who it's obvious are not interested in me, and never will be. Which narrows the field down a LOT. Now what exactly is flirting? It's a way of showing interest in someone, right? So why do I continue to flirt with those who are taken? At the end of the day, they have their boyfriends/husbands, while I have my cold house and empty bed. Now don't get me wrong, I love my friends (and that's who I mainly flirt with), but I just keep getting reminded that I'm quickly becoming the only one of my friends ANYWHERE that's completely single. I know that there are still a few out there, but I look at those and see the guys who they have crushes on, and it's NOT me... so why should I continually hurt myself? Maybe it's time to do something different. Once I get my head screwed back on straight, it'll be business as usual. Because I LOVE to flirt. But I can do without it, for the most part, until I'm ready for it again. So I'm done flirting with those who have made it clear that we are just friends, and those who are involved in a relationship... not permanently, but for now. I apologize to all of the people it affects, but it's the way it's got to be.

Okay, as you noticed, it wasn't as much of a rant as it might have been, had I written it last night in the heat of the moment, like I almost did. But I think I'm going to end the entry here, due to the length swiftly increasing. I will talk to you all later!