I should be happy. A part of me IS happy. My friend Mandie is coming down to visit this weekend. She and a friend are going to a concert on Friday, and then will be here for the weekend. I can't wait to see her.

"Joe, I can categorically say that you are NOT a bigger banana head"

-Lucas Empire Records

Well I AM a bigger banana head. I have really screwed things up now. I have repeatedly hurt someone I love very much, someone who means a lot to me. Someone who I couldn't show that I cared. I haven't been able to do anything right lately. I am always saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing. And I made the mother of all fuckups. She was in a car accident, and I didn't call her. Sure, I text messaged her... but I didn't call her. And I should have. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know IF I was thinking. The one thought that I remember going through my mind was that my friends wouldn't believe that the accident happened. That they would question it, because they didn't trust her. But I should know them better than that. And it shouldn't have mattered anyway. She was in the hospital. No matter that she was okay... I wasn't there for her. I blew it. And there's no amount of apologies that can make up for what I did. I can't ask her forgiveness. I can't ask her for anything.

A lot of things have happened in the past few weeks. I seem to have gone on a rampage with all the screwups. With everyone who I have hurt recently, it's amazing that I have any friends left. I don't know what people see in me. They must see something that I don't, because I would have dropped me along time ago, if I were them.

But the crux of it is, I am not happy. With anything, really. So I will be trying something new. I will be keeping this diary for my day-to-day, but I will be adding a secret diary for my thoughts and feelings. I will not be telling anyone (and I mean ANYONE) where it is. I will give clues which will enable anyone who cares to find it. It is not currently up, but will be soon. So here is how to find it:

I will be putting one ring on the diary, which will be a ring currently on this diary. The title of the diary will obviously relate to me in some way. The username will be my son's full first and middle names with no spaces, all lowercase, and the password will be based on the title of the diary. Basically what you do is take my eight digit date of birth (MM/DD/YYYY) and with each number, take the corresponding letters from the title (if the number is 1, take the first letter), and the result will be my eight character password. If you find it, PLEASE do not give it to ANYONE else. If someone wants to find it, they will. And if they can't find it, then they weren't meant to have it.

But it is time to finish this entry. Good night all.