Well, come tomorrow, it may be official. I may actually have a day job. So what exactly does that mean? That means, for the most part, no more internet, except on weekends. I may jump on for a few minutes after UPS, but basically I won't be able to stay up until 2 or 3 AM chatting with people any more. And that really sux, because I have no friends down here. Which means that basically I'll have no contact with friends at all, except when I can talk to them on the weekends. I hate it here. I REALLY hate it here. There is little happiness in my life, except for my friendships. And now I won't be able to talk to my friends, hardly at all. And for my friendships that are struggling right now, that could kill them. The thought terrifies me. I can't sleep at night, I just sit there and think about what I would do without my friends to talk to. As it is, I've had to completely redefine one of my friendships, because of mistakes I made.

I just had a friend of mine tell me that I should talk to someone, that they agreed with my mom. Maybe they're right. But when? If I get this second job, so I can afford to send money for my son, I won't have any free time, except for the weekends. And last time I checked, there aren't a lot of psychologists that work weekends, and those that do, I can't afford. Besides, the last psychologist I talked to was back when I was in middle school (I think), and it didn't solve much. I've got my family's stubborn streak in me. I'm very resistant to change (in some things, anyway). We (myself, my sister, my father, my step-mother, and my mother) at one time went to family counseling, but my dad decided that we didn't need it, after 2 sessions. So that was that, and we never went again. I still had my individual sessions, but they never solved anything. Maybe this time around, things would be better. But I can't afford to invest my time and money into "maybes" anymore. Unless it's for a friend, and then I'm always willing to invest my time, and if I have it, my money.

I know at least one of my friends won't agree with that, and I'm sorry for it, but I would like to ask you to please be patient with me, and just be there for me. I'm trying to work things through, and it's hard to be basically alone down here. I can't talk to Mom about things, because she will want me to see things her way, and to agree with her point of view on everything. She sees "internet" and thinks that it's nothing, just a phase. But I've been doing this a long time, and things on here are more real to me than anything in the "real world". Because it's so much easier to be hurt in the "real world", and it can be harder to be yourself. Especially for someone like me, who is very shy in the world, and who doesn't get a second glance from too many people. At least here, I've made friends. People who don't know me well, but are there for me. People who I have actually trusted with some of my deepest, darkest secrets. People who haven't let me down yet.

I still have my friends up north, who have stuck with me through thick and thin. I met them through playing Magic. Magic players are, on the whole, a very accepting group of people. They don't judge a person for anything but their character. I was lucky enough to find some of the greatest friends I could ever want to have, going to college in Utica. And to tell you the truth, I didn't even want to go there at first. But I needed to go somewhere, and I couldn't afford much. And it's fortunate for me that I did, because I don't know how things would have turned out elsewhere.

So everything up to this point leads me here, to where I am, sitting in front of the computer, procrastinating on finishing my Christmas cards, not bothering to eat yet today. I've been awake since 7 AM, when I had to get up to take Mom to work. I managed to doze a little, when no one was on to talk to. Or when they were on, but busy. But I don't sleep any more, I don't eat enough (although I AM trying to lose this damn gut I recently developed, so maybe not eating every meal isn't EXACTLY a bad thing), and I don't have the motivation. I've got to find it somewhere, somehow. I've got to bring back to my life, what I lost when my son was taken from me by his mother. Because that was the last time I was truly happy in this life. I've finally figured a piece of the puzzle out. I miss having my son in my life.

Okay, on to other news. I just saw my friend Shannon on today, for the first time in God knows HOW long. He has been doing good, although he managed to recently get not one, but TWO girls pregnant. So he's a father twice over. Which means that he has to get a job, and is going out hunting today. He never has been big on jobs, so I'm hoping for his sake that he is able to get one and stick with it this time. He is another one of the Utica crowd, and I have missed talking to him. I hope that this is the start of us keeping in touch, because it would be nice to be talking to all my old friends again. I still haven't heard from Dan (even tho I leave him message after message when I see him), I don't see John on a lot, and Carrie doesn't get online anymore, for reasons I'd rather not talk about. But if I could see all of them again, I would love to get together with all of them, and just sit down for one BIG ASS FREAKIN' GAME OF MAGIC.... LOL!

But I'm gonna go. A friend wants to spend some time with me. And I can't say no to a friend, because I love my friends, they are very important to me.